Taking it slow

Its been months and i'd been trying hard to write. I'd come up with a couple of 'things' to fill up at least a few pages and then whoosh!! the inspiration vanished in thin air!! I couldn't make the head and tail of it all. so I decided that instead of trying to write and write and fill up pages at a go, i'd take it slow and write the shortest of them all to begin with, daily. Nothing similar. Vibrant. Maybe half a page and then gradually move on to a full page. I started and.. well!! yeah!! I didn't disappoint meself. well, not that much!! eh heh heh.. Let's see where this takes me.
Posting the very first. I've decided to name it 'LOOP'. yea!! well!!


                                                         

                                                              LOOP

Is this how they feel? I wonder!! 

Its hard to live like this. Not being able to concentrate on anything. Not being able to remember things properly at proper time and occasions.Living life like an empty shell, the shadows of your past slowly fading away into the growing, looming darkness like a shawl slowly creeping up on you from your feet.

     

Things weren't so bad some years ago. My bed wasn't cold nor was my food and the clothes were always washed and ironed. Laughter echoed around the house like merry tinkling bells, sunlight and smiles that could brighten up the dingy place that I now reside in.

No, things weren't so bad.

I wasn't so scruffy either.

My hair neatly combed, face clean-shaved, a hint of after-shave and always smartly dressed. People had always commented on my good looks but mostly that I had a charming smile. I was popular with the ladies. Oh! yes I was.

I do not recognize the man, staring at me with hollow eyes, in the mirror now. All I see is a worn out shell, waiting his turn.

It would serve no purpose at all, going over useless details all over again.

I hope the night passes by soon since its hard when you can hardly sleep even after two pills of prescribed medicines to make you sleep through the dreary night.

I must be dying! Do people dying feel the same? I wonder. Its hard to live like this, you see. 

And my bed is cold!!

   

Imprisoned thoughts

'Its got to be here. Its got to be here somewhere.. I remember placing it just there the day before yesterday. Why can I not remember the place? Was it here or was it in the cupboard?'
       This is a similar situation that I go through every-time I have the so-called writer's block or can't remember the proper word that I want to use. Its as if the thing that you want to to use is just at the tip of your tongue, almost ready to drip and then whoosh!! Gone!! Its pretty frustrating when it keeps on happening. Like a fuse. You know, when that thin wire breaks down cutting off the connection in case there a surge of electricity, to prevent a possible damage. Only in my case I sometimes wonder why's there the need for this since isn't a surge of words or ideas a good thing? I wish there was an explanation for this. I wish the flow of words was as smooth as for some people who don't have to think twice before they can get their thought on the sheet and beautifully. That kind of thing rarely happens to me. I'd rather like to imagine my version of 'word flow' as an abrupt vomit of words, crudely placed with no soft edges, the effect almost like the sound of nails scraping on a chalkboard. Unpleasant, isn't it? Definitely frustrating.
For now I can only keep ranting. I wonder if i can come up with something decent anymore. Sigh!! 

Perspective

I had been waiting for you since 4 in the evening.
You came late, at around 10.30pm. You said you'd only be able to stay for about 15 minutes, are you in such a hurry? You came inside my room with your dirty combats boots on and just shrugged when I reprimanded you. You took off your leather jacket and threw it on the table. You plonked down on my bed and lit a cigarette. Without asking anything else you grabbed my Laptop and played an instrumental piece. You said that you'd leave when it ends. I look over and see that I have 10 more minutes. We sit there silently doing nothing, saying nothing, lost in our own thoughts. Were you thinking about me? Were you stealing glances at me? Were you thinking how to say goodbye? You passed on that beautiful notebook that you bought for me. I blushed when your fingers brushed mine, did you notice?
6 minutes were up. You got up, grabbed your jacket, looked around then pulled me into a hug. I didn't want to let go, could you feel my heart beat? I held on tight, I could feel you hugging me back, were you holding on to me too? You made me look up to your eyes, was it love that I saw in them? You slowly kissed me and when I pulled back you said 'once more please', could you see that I was breaking down? You kissed me again, did you notice that it was already past 8 minutes? You suddenly pulled open the door and left me, saying 'won't you see me off the door?', did you think I was strong enough to? You left, walking briskly, without looking back even once, were you scared that you wouldn't be able to leave?
A message flashed in the screen of my phone. It was you. 'Send me away with the words of a love song', you wrote, did you think I could send you away, from me? Were you in such a hurry to leave?

I looked up at the clock. It was 10.45pm.

Down with a massive writer's block. Hope this block gets cleared soon.